Smile At Your Own Risk

My first ‘feelings’ post. I promised myself I would never write one of these, but It’s important to keep it real, ladies and gents.

Tomorrow is my 28th birthday. Little M was born right after I turned 27, so my year was spent being a new mom. It was full of highs – her laughter, dancing, first wave & vacation – but looking back I mostly think about the lows – the loneliness, anxiety, guilt & disappointment – and that really made me think.

People are always telling me how happy I am. That they have never seen me without a smile. For the most part, their right. I usually appear happy – full of smiles at work, on social media, and at social gatherings. Someone said this to me just today, and that, coupled with my birthday, inspired me to write this.

If all I can remember are the low points, than how do these people think I am so happy?

A family member once told me this in response to my struggle with disappointing friendships: ‘You need to stop being so seemingly perfect. Let people see who you really are, and then they will be able to be there for you. If they think you’re doing great, they won’t think you need them.’

Those people who see me every day at work and think I am the happiest person in the world, a year ago I would be thankful to hear you think my life is perfect. I wanted to put off that facade. Now, I wish I could invite you back in time, a month into being a new mom and only one friend came to visit and brought me dinner. The days I spent checking my phone to yet again have no one check on me and my new baby. The wishing I was vulnerable. The tears I still have when I leave baby classes and I still haven’t made a mom friend.

I am so done with that facade. I want people to see the real me, because I think I’m becoming a pretty cool chick, and I am proud of that.

So here is my chance. I usually don’t ‘do’ birthdays. But what better time than to declare your ‘goals’ and wishes for your year ahead. So here goes nothing…my letter to 28.

Dear 28,

I promise to be as real as real can get. I will be open, vulnerable, and plain ole’ Lizzy. I won’t care about what people think and I will just live my true life. Please let me see the good in each day. To remember how lucky I am to have  the family I have. Forgive the people  who haven’t been there for me when they were supposed to. Heal our  friendships and make them stronger than before. Help me be more compassionate and patient. Make me strong enough to ask for help. Create a wife, mom, work, friend, daughter balance that makes me and everyone else happy. Keep my family healthy and safe. Help me grow in every way. I can’t wait to look back at 28 like BOOM, I did it! I became the person I knew I could be.

And please, please, please, bring me a nice mom friend, or two, who I can have wine nights with and (nicely) gossip about life.

Xx, Lizzy

 

 

I started this blog to share my feelings on motherhood, and I hope at least one mom out there let’s go of who she thinks she should be, embrace what she wants to be, and goes after it!

Becoming Mommy

This may be my favorite blog post I ever write. My journey to mommyhood! At 12 years old I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) leaving with me the looming thought for the next 15 years that I may not be able to have my own children. As soon as I got engaged, I started to prep my body for pregnancy – losing 40 lbs, taking prenatal vitamins, and cutting back on alcohol for one year. As soon as I returned from my honeymoon, I asked my reluctant doctor to get me an appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist. She thought I was crazy – most people try before seeing a RE. But not me. I just ‘knew’ It was going to take my years to get pregnant. My husband and I didn’t necessarily want a baby right away, but again, I just ‘knew’ It was going to take forever.

After going through numerous blood tests and a few painful (well, what I THOUGHT was pain at the time) procedures to check my fertility, I was pregnant within two months. We will still never know how this miracle happened. Was it the prep I had done? The procedures that cleared out my tubes? Either way this was the best surprise of my life! I spent months crying every night, wondering If I would be able to have a baby, plan a first birthday party, and have my baby join my friends babies. Little did I know the worrying had just begun!

For the next ten months I worried about that little baby everyday. Was she okay? Was I eating the right foods? Was she moving enough? I had a pretty uneventful pregnancy, thankfully. Little girl was content in there so I had to be induced and after 32 hours of labor, 5 epidurals (yes, 5) that didn’t even work, our beautiful baby girl entered the world! And she was been the center of our universe for the past 4 months!

So that is my becoming mommy story. I don’t know what the future holds for me and my fertility, but If this miracle has taught me anything, it’s to believe!

xx,

Lizzy